


lost time

by catbeans



Series: luke*leia swap au [4]
Category: Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: M/M, Trans Luke Skywalker, twinswap AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 02:32:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13649607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catbeans/pseuds/catbeans
Summary: He had that whole year without Han, but he had had it, woke up every day and went to sleep every night, and however much it hurt, he had time to process, had a goal to work towards.Han had had nothing.He had gone from one holding cell to another without any context, from Cloud City to now without any progression, nothing but an empty darkness between being tortured and having to jump right back into the thick of it all.Luke decided he could keep his mouth shut long enough for Han to have some semblance of normalcy.





	lost time

Leia had returned smelling like smoke, her natural hand scraped raw and her clothes speckled with dirt and ash, an exhaustion in her eyes that Luke had never seen before.

He knew Leia had burned Vader’s body, even if he didn't know why, and after the second Death Star, she could have fallen asleep where she stood and he wouldn’t have been surprised.

He found her on one of the hanging walkways, most of an hour after he realized she had disappeared from the celebrating crowd, her hands gripping the rope so tight her left knuckles went white.

“Leia,” he said, not wanting to startle her, but she looked up at him before he had gotten her name out; he kept his eyes on her as he walked over, pointedly away from how far they were from the ground. “Are you…”

He trailed off with a wince, the question seeming silly as soon as he had started to ask it.

Of course the answer would be  _ no. _

She didn't respond to that, looking forward again before her shoulders sagged on a deep exhale.

“Do you remember your birth parents at all?”

Luke frowned. “Not really,” he said. “Maybe just a feeling. I never met them.”

Leia dipped her head in a faint nod. She was quiet for a minute, the silence only filled with the distant music and occasional cheers.

“I never met mine either,” she said a minute later. “I  _ thought _ I hadn't.”

“What do you mean?”

He saw her jaw clench, her fingers twitching over the rope. “They lied,” she said. “About my father.”

“Yoda?”

Leia nodded. “He and Obi-Wan.” She paused, taking a deep breath before she turned to face Luke, her hand still like a vice on the rope like it was the only thing keeping her upright. “Darth Vader was my father.”

Luke felt like his heart might have stopped for a second. “You always…”

“I know,” Leia said. “He and the man they said Darth Vader had killed were the same person.”

Luke's mouth opened and shut a couple times as he scrambled for the right thing to say, his brain running in circles. “You're not like that,” he said. “You're--you’re a good person, I know that, whatever happened there doesn't--”

Leia huffed a laugh that felt more like a sigh. “That’s the thing,” she said. “I couldn't--I didn't kill him. Or the Emperor. He did that.”

“Wh--?”

“To save me,” Leia interrupted, finally letting go of the rope to tug her sleeve a little lower over her wrist, her right hand awkward and stiff, more than a glove could explain. “Killing him had been part of the Emperor’s plan this whole time, so I didn't, and he…” She shrugged, and Luke thought she was about to continue before she suddenly went stiff, letting out a deep breath a couple seconds later. “He told me on Cloud City.”

“You never said anything,” Luke said quietly.

“I needed to find out if it was true,” she said, and Luke remembered her taking off to Dagobah after they had rescued Han without any explanation, hadn't thought she had needed one after her training had been cut so short. “But there was something else, too.”

Luke glanced behind him, the walkway still empty before he took a step closer to Leia. “What is it?”

Leia was quiet for a minute, the silence uncomfortably heavy until she said, “He was your father too.”

“No,” Luke said before he realized he had even opened his mouth. “That’s not--”

“It is,” Leia said. “If the Emperor couldn't get to me, he was going to try to get to you instead.”

“But I'm not--” Luke stammered, his heart hammering nauseatingly hard against his ribs. “What good would I even be to them?”

“The Force runs strong in my family,” she said, slightly stilted like she was repeating someone else's words. “You have it.”

As soon as Leia had said it, Luke realized he couldn't bring himself to deny it.

There had never been any concrete signs that he could think of, but there was a  _ feeling, _ one he hadn't thought much of with no frame of reference for what it might be, and it felt like something had clicked into place.

“I…” He took a deep breath, dragging his hand through his hair. “I don't think it would be a good idea to go public with this.”

Leia's eyebrows twitched, her jaw clenching again, but there was just a sadness in her eyes where Luke had expected something closer to anger.

“At least not what Vader--”

“I know,” she said. “If it gets out that we’re--that he--” She paused, turning back to look over the walkway again. “We can’t hide who he is.”

Luke didn't need any further explanation for that; it would come out eventually, inevitably, and looking like they had tried to hide it would only cast suspicion on both of them.

“But we have to say I killed the Emperor,” Leia added. “And him.”

Luke nodded, his stomach feeling like it was doing flips.

There was so much to say, so much to  _ ask, _ and Luke wasn't sure how to say any of it.

He bit the inside of his cheek, reaching down to brush the backs of his fingers over the glove on Leia's right hand. “What happened?”

Leia let out a sharp exhale, closer to a laugh than before but just as bitter. She held her palm upright, pulling the hem of the glove down to reveal the charred synthetic skin and exposed wires under her wrist.

“On Tatooine,” she said. “One of Jabba's guards.”

Luke's throat felt too tight for any words to come out for a couple seconds. “Is it…?”

She shrugged and wiggled her fingers, but they didn't move as much as it seemed like they should have. “It’s salvageable.”

“We can get it fixed,” Luke said. “As soon as--”

“I know,” Leia cut in. “Lando said he knows someone in the next system over. I'm going tomorrow.”

Luke frowned, but Leia continued before he could say anything.

“He noticed earlier,” she said. “I wasn't going to lie, it just wasn't pressing enough to bring up before.”

Luke wanted to say that it was, they would have gotten it sorted out right then, but he knew she wouldn’t have agreed even if she had lost the whole hand again.

It had been hard enough keeping her down long enough to recover the first time.

Luke just nodded.

She rubbed at her left wrist, stifling a wince that Luke still didn't miss. “I'm going to go,” she said, wiping at a fleck of ash on her sleeve that only became more smudged the more she tried to get rid of it. “I need to change.”

Luke nodded again, and she stepped past him before he could say anything else.

He wasn't sure how long he stood there, his whole body numb like he wasn't properly inside it; he could get his head around the lie Leia had been told, at least to some extent, but the only feeling aside from the numbness was a heavy, pounding ache in his chest.

He had never put much thought into his birth parents, was never given much reason to even after his  _ actual _ parents had confirmed that he had been adopted. They were his family, and they loved him as much as he loved them, and as far as he was concerned, that was all there was to it.

The anger and the pain that had felt like a black hole in his chest at the sight of Alderaan collapsing in on itself before bursting apart had never really left him, even when it dulled to an ache over the last few years, too much to do and too many lives on the line to give himself time to properly grieve, and it suddenly felt just as raw as when he had been standing on the main deck of the Death Star.

He wondered if Vader had known.

It would be easier to reconcile the fact that Vader had killed his parents with the fact that he had saved Leia if he  _ hadn't. _

He only realized he had stopped breathing when his head started to spin.

He still couldn't get himself to move, the music and distant sounds of celebrating rebels ringing in his ears until he heard, “Been wondering where you took off to.”

The walkway bounced slightly as Han walked towards him, and he hurriedly wiped the back of his hand over his eyes before turning back to him.

Han’s face fell as soon as he did it.

“Hey,” he said quietly, shuffling the last few steps to keep the walkway from wobbling before reaching for Luke's hand. “Are you okay?”

Luke didn't have it in him to lie, didn't think he had it in him to say anything at all.

He shrugged and shook his head.

 

They had to take a long way around to get back to the Falcon without being stopped; Han hadn't pressed it, just silently holding Luke's hand a little tighter whenever he rubbed his other hand over his eyes again.

Han only let go once they were at the top of the loading ramp, peeking into the cockpit before coming back out to Luke. “Chewie’s still out.”

Luke nodded, heading down the hall to Han’s bunk without looking to see if Han was following him.

He flopped down onto the bed, his fingers still feeling numb as he unstrapped his boots while Han closed the door and came to sit down next to him.

Han was still silent, waiting until Luke's shoes were off before reaching for Luke's hand again.

“Do you want…” he started quietly, tightly lacing his fingers with Luke's, but he trailed off with the sentence left unfinished.

“I don't know,” Luke said. He still wasn't sure what to think, let alone say about it.

Han nodded, scooting closer until Luke could lean his head on Han’s shoulder.

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes.

“Have you talked to Leia?” Luke asked eventually.

“Not much,” Han said. “Is that what--?”

Luke nodded.

It was another couple minutes before he could put the words together.

“Darth Vader was our father.”

He felt Han go stiff.

_ “Our?” _

Luke nodded again, sitting up straight and pushing his hair out of his eyes. “I never knew anything about my birth parents before.”

“And you two…?”

“Apparently,” Luke said. “We were separated when we were born. I don't know why.”

Han was quiet for a few seconds, pulling in a deep breath before he mumbled, “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry,” Han said, letting go of Luke's hand to wrap his arm around his waist.

Luke had to bite back his own apology, his chest feeling tight at the thought of what Vader had done to him, the fact that it had been his own flesh and blood, and his chest only felt tighter when he realized that if Han hadn't talked to Leia yet, she hadn't told him about what else had really happened.

He wasn't sure he knew how, but lying by omission felt worse than any reaction he might get.

“She didn't kill him,” he continued. “He killed the Emperor to save her.”

Han didn't move, didn't even go stiff again, and Luke's heartbeat thudded uncomfortably hard in his chest until he said again, “Shit.”

“You can’t tell anyone about that part,” Luke hurriedly added. “We can’t--”

“I figured,” Han said, pulling Luke closer against his side. “Wouldn't look good.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Hey,” Han whispered, kissing the side of his head. “You got nothing to be sorry for.”

It still felt like he did.

Han didn't move away when he kicked his shoes off, squeezing Luke's hip before he stood up and held a hand out for Luke. “Still got some clean clothes here somewhere.”

Luke nodded, digging through one of the drawers under the bed for a couple clean shirts and sweatpants before Han could get to it.

He had almost forgotten how much things had been moved around during the year Han was in the carbonite until Han had almost gone for the wrong drawer.

He tossed his clothes onto a storage box, not bothering to fold them up before crawling back into the bed, holding the blankets up for Han to get in after him.

Han had almost gotten his shirt fully on, halfway to the bed before Luke's breath caught in his throat.

“Han, your…”

Han froze with the hem of his shirt not quite covering his chest yet, glancing down before dropping his hands at his side with a wince. “Guess that explains that.”

The electrical burns on his chest were just as fresh as when Luke had first seen them in the holding cell on Cloud City, raised and raw and unsettlingly red around the edges.

Han just huffed and shuffled in next to Luke.

“You really need to--”

“I’ll deal with it tomorrow,” Han mumbled, pulling Luke close against him, but Luke didn't miss him flinching before tugging the front of his shirt away from his skin. “Hang on…”

He rolled onto his back, pulling the shirt over his head and chucking it away before pulling Luke against his side.

Luke had to try not to stare before Han pulled the blankets back up, looping his arm snug over Han’s waist with his head on Han’s shoulder.

Even with all the exhaustion of the last couple days, Luke couldn't get himself to sleep.

He couldn't stop running through every interaction he had had with Vader, over and over again, the Death Star and Cloud City as clear in his head as if it had happened the day before, the  _ burns. _

He glanced up at Han, breathing a little too deeply to be asleep.

“Give me a second,” Luke whispered, carefully climbing over Han, and he almost tripped over the clutter on his way to the shelves on the far wall before he flicked a lamp on.

The first aid kit he had found in Han’s bunk while he was still in the carbonite had been mostly useless, little more than a handful of bandages that were too old to stick anymore, and he had had to take some spare supplies from the med bay until the small box was finally full.

The burn cream had been Leia's idea.

Han scooted back against the wall, holding the blankets up for Luke to get back in after he had gotten the tube out.

“You still really need to get this looked at,” he said, crossing his legs under himself to sit next to Han. “Okay?”

Han nodded, pushing the blankets down around his waist, and Luke almost wished he would have complained about it.

The fact that he didn't made Luke uneasy, but he stamped down the concern as much as he could, squeezing some of the cream out and rubbing it between his fingers to warm it up.

Han winced when Luke touched it to his skin, and he almost jerked his hand back before Han said, “You're fine.”

Luke nodded, more to himself than to Han; he rubbed the cream into the speckled burns with as little pressure as he could, gently smearing it out from the center to the edges before moving on to the next one. He didn't look away until he was done, carefully looking over the burns to check that they were fully covered, and his breath caught in his throat for a second when he looked back up to Han, his expression so warm it felt almost out of place given the circumstances.

“Does that feel okay?”

Han nodded, loosely circling his fingers around Luke's wrist before he could pull his had back from Han’s chest, linking their fingers together to pull his hand up to kiss his knuckles.

“You're going to get that stuff all over you,” Luke said, bringing his hand back to wipe the rest of the cream off on his thigh before leaning down to kiss him.

He set the tube down on the floor next to the bed, shuffling back in next to Han. He didn't get the chance to get settled before Han rolled onto his side, pulling Luke close to kiss him again.

There was something close to desperation to it, even as soft and slow as Han was kissing him, the exhausted relief almost palpable when Han tugged him close to his chest.

Luke broke the kiss for a second, pressing his palm to Han’s sternum above the first burn.

“You're going to--”

“It’s fine,” Han said, rubbing his fingertips over the dips of Luke's spine. “That gunk helped.”

Luke leaned in again to kiss him with a small huff. “Just be careful with it.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“I'm serious,” Luke said, trying to hold back a frown when he broke the kiss again. “We don't know how…”

“I know,” Han said quietly, and there was a strain to his voice that made Luke pause. “Let’s just…”

Luke's chest ached, the impulse to keep worrying about it twisting uncomfortably with something else it took him a minute to put his finger on.

He had that whole year without Han, but he had  _ had _ it, woke up every day and went to sleep every night, and however much it hurt, he had time to process, had a goal to work towards.

Han had had nothing.

He had gone from one holding cell to another without any context, from Cloud City to  _ now _ without any progression, nothing but an empty darkness between being tortured and having to jump right back into the thick of it all.

Luke decided he could keep his mouth shut long enough for Han to have some semblance of normalcy.

He nodded, looping his arm around Han’s waist before leaning in to kiss him again, silently reassuring himself that Han could get checked out in the morning.

Luke couldn't bring himself to pull away again, a whole year of lost time to make up for more than worth a little extra sleep. It hadn't felt like he had forgotten anything, but there was a pang in his chest when he realized he almost had, Han’s skin against his and the softness of his mouth feeling almost new and like he had come home at the same time.

He had missed the faint scratch of Han’s stubble, the calluses on his fingers as he slipped his hand to the small of Luke's back under his shirt, the way Han’s breath hitched when Luke pressed closer until there wasn't a shred of space between them.

Han only broke the kiss for a second, and that second of eye contact was enough to ask and answer the question on the tip of his tongue before Luke leaned in to kiss him again.

Han didn't pull away when Luke turned onto his back, following him to prop himself up above Luke. Luke wound his arms around Han’s waist, pulling him close until he was settled on top of him, warm and comfortingly heavy. 

For all the time they had to make up for, it was still just as slow as Han had been kissing him, no rush or desperation to it even once he felt Han rocking slightly against his thigh.

They had all the time they could need.

Luke slid his hands down to Han’s hips, shifting underneath him until he had his legs snug at either side of Han’s waist. They didn't move from there for a few minutes, only breaking apart to kick their pants down their legs before Han was on top of him again.

Luke bit back a whine when Han propped himself up on his forearm, reluctant to let him move away even an inch until Han moved his free hand down between Luke's legs.

Luke’s head dropped back to the mattress with a gasp, rocking up against Han’s fingers before bringing his hand up to Han’s hair to pull him back in to kiss him.

Han moved his hand slow, circling his thumb over Luke's clit and gently pressing inside him, curling his fingers that way Luke had never quite managed himself. He didn't stop until Luke's legs started to shake, dragging his fingertips over Luke's clit as he pulled his hand away before nudging Luke's legs a little wider apart.

He had to break the kiss again to look down between them, leaning on his arm as he reached down to line himself up with Luke.

Han stopped for a second, that same warm, soft expression on his face when he leaned down to kiss Luke again. He didn't pull away, his breath hitching at the same time as Luke's when he pressed forward.

Luke bent his legs so his knees were bracketing Han’s sides, looping his arms tight around Han’s shoulders as he slowly rolled his hips up against Han’s.

Han only started rocking into him once Luke did, ducking down to kiss along Luke's jaw and down to his neck, his breath heavy and warm against Luke's skin, so close Luke could feel Han’s heartbeat against his chest.

There wasn't room for either of them to move much, pressed so tightly together, but Luke wouldn't have had it any other way, the feeling of Han’s body covering his like he could suddenly breathe again for the first time since Han had been lowered into the chamber on Cloud City.

Han kept slowly rocking into him, barely pulling back each time, pressing kisses all along his neck and his collarbone like Han had to relearn the shape of him. Luke moved one of his hands up to Han’s hair, tugging him back up to kiss him, and he couldn't bring himself to break away enough for it to not be muffled and quiet when he said, “I missed you so much.”

He could feel the soft, almost needy sound from Han’s chest more than he heard it; Han almost leaned up on his forearm to move his free hand down between them, but Luke tightened his arm around Han’s shoulders, pulling him back so they were pressed flat together before moving his other hand down to his clit.

He loved the feeling of Han’s hands on him, the way the calluses on his fingertips dragged over the sensitive skin between his legs, but he loved the heavy warmth of Han pressing down on him  _ more. _

He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, letting himself disappear into that  _ fullness _ and the relief that still hadn't fully sunk in that Han was  _ back, _ they were safe, and for everything else that had happened and everything else they had lost, they still had that; he almost missed when Han started breathing more heavily, his forehead bumping Luke's when he briefly pulled away with a quick gasp before leaning in to kiss him again.

Luke locked his ankles around Han’s back, his hips twitching up against Han’s when Han started rocking into him a little faster, still slow enough to savor it, his movements getting more uneven as Luke squeezed his legs around Han’s waist and rocked back against him.

He felt Han go stiff, rolling his hips without pulling out at all anymore, and he only broke the kiss to drop his head against Luke's shoulder with a stifled moan before sagging on top of him.

Luke carded his fingers through Han’s hair, waiting until his breathing evened out a little more before bumping his nose to the side of Han’s head to get him to lean up and kiss him.

Luke didn't move from there, and neither did Han, kissing him gentle and slow even as he felt Han going soft.

Han broke away again a couple minutes later, pressing his face to the curve of Luke's neck.

Luke wriggled his hand free from where it had been sandwiched between them, winding his arms tight around Han’s shoulders again.

He could stay there forever.

_ Forever _ didn't last as long as he found himself hoping it would before Han took a deep breath, kissing Luke's jaw before moving his hips back and slumping against Luke's side.

Luke didn't get the chance to get comfortable again before Han nudged him a little closer to the wall, shuffling into the space he had made at Luke's side; he leaned his head on Luke's shoulder, dragging his hand down Luke's belly and down between his legs, kissing along Luke's collarbone as he started rubbing his fingers over Luke's clit.

_ “Han--” _

“I know you didn't,” Han murmured, kissing a little higher to Luke's neck, and Luke couldn't bite back a soft groan when Han slowly pressed two fingers into him, keeping his thumb on Luke's clit.

Han only pulled his fingers back to the lowest knuckle, curling his fingers like he was beckoning it out of him as he circled his thumb over Luke's clit, and Luke couldn't help the light tug on Han’s hair at the faint hint of teeth over the curve of his neck.

Luke pulled him up to kiss him again, squeezing his thighs around Han’s hand with a breathy moan when Han pulled back just long enough to slip his ring finger in with the first two.

It wasn't long before he couldn't help rocking up into Han’s hand, his whole body feeling hot and tingly; Han started moving his fingers faster, rubbing over Luke's clit with a little more pressure until his hips jerked against Han’s fingers, dropping his head back against the pillow with a stammered, “Oh, fuck--”

Han didn't move his hand away yet, pressing lightly on Luke's clit and slowly swirling his fingers until Luke bit back a whine and reached down for his wrist.

Han kissed along his jaw while Luke caught his breath, wiping his hand off on the sheets before leaning up to kiss him again and shuffling close against his side. It was another few minutes before Luke's bones stopped feeling like jelly enough for him to move, and he was about to slide out of the bed to turn the lamp back off when Han pulled him back in with his arm snug around Luke's waist.

“I'm just--”

“Leave it,” Han said, muffled in the curve of Luke's shoulder, but there was an upturn to his voice that sounded more like a plea than if Han had just wanted him to stay in bed, a desperation to it that made Luke's insides twist.

Han hadn't said much of anything about the carbon freeze--hadn't had the time even if he had wanted to--but the only thing he had mentioned was a crushing, endless  _ dark. _

“Okay,” Luke whispered, bundling Han close to his chest; he could already feel his arm going tingly where it was mushed between Han and the mattress, but he couldn't bring himself to care, not with Han nuzzling his face into Luke's neck, his arms tight around Luke's waist.

Luke had to keep biting the inside of his cheek to stay awake, waiting until he could be sure Han was asleep first, but the last thing he heard before Han went slack and silent was a mumbled, “I love you.”

Luke's chest felt warm, pressing a kiss to the top of Han’s head, and he knew Han was probably too close to sleep to hear him anymore when he repeated, “I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> @hansolosbi!


End file.
